And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dignity is for republicans.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
