the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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