I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
