its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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