You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
