1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
