I am puke
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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