If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
