you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize