I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
