Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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