I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
