How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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