Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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