I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
