You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
