dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
