Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
