"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
