Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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