I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
