clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
