Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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