In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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