either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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