My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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