Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
