4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
