I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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