I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
