She is in my trunk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
