Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
