made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
