apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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