I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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