yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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