cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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