At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
