you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
