thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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