Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
