see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
