Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
