Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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