if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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