you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
