you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
