and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
