you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
