made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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