I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
