Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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