just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
