**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
