im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
