Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
