my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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