my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
