I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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