Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
